Saturday, December 22, 2007

‘Twas the Night After Christmas – or - Santa’s Last Stand-Up Routine

[this was our family "Christmas Letter" in 2005 - I think it's pretty funny, but then I wrote it...]

“Is this thing on?” [tap tap schreeeee] “Hey Mr. Sound Man – fix this mic wouldya? Don’t think I don’t know what you did last summer, ‘cause I do. Well, well, well boys and girls. I just flew in from Baghdad and boy are my arms tired. [cymbal crash] How many times you think I’ve used that one? Ho-ho-ho.” [scattered laughter] “Whatever.” [takes a flask out of his pocket] “A little hair of the dog ya know? It’s been another back-breaking season.” [takes a long swig] “So…what’ll it be tonight? Sugarplums? Fairy dust? Rudolph? The old routine gets kinda stale when you have such a limited range of topics. Hmmm…how about a little game I call “Santa FAQ”? You ask all the questions you’ve always wanted to ask and I answer ‘em – OK? Keep in mind that just because I know everything [sing-song voice: (“…he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…”)] doesn’t mean I can answer – the Patriot Act, ya know. You there, in the back.” “Uh, how do you get to the homes of all the little boys and girls in one night?” “I have a sweetheart contract with FedEx with overflow provided by UPS. Next?” “Do you really eat all the cookies and drink all the milk?” “No. Most of it goes in the sleigh to feed the elves at the North Pole. Boy, do they get sick of cookies and milk.” “What about the carrots for the reindeer?” “Yeah they eat ‘em – how you think they see in the dark?” [takes out the flask and takes another long swig] “How do the elves make all those toys?” “Since I instituted the best management plan on earth, they’re afraid not to. Who do you think Wal-Mart learned from? You wanna make money in manufacturing or in retail? Come to “Santa’s Management Workshop” (Ó Santa, Inc., all rights reserved). Keep ‘em hungry, underpaid and scared of getting fired. My record speaks for itself.” “Hey Fatso! How do you keep your suit clean after going down all those chimneys?” [raises his hand to his mouth and speaks into a microphone hidden in his sleeve] “Security?” [points to a man in the third row, stage right. An elf runs out from backstage and zaps the guy with a cattle prod] “Oouuuuugh! Ok, sorry!” [elf zaps him again before returning back stage] “Ouuuch!” [speaks into the hidden mic again] “Note to self: add that man to the Permanent Naughty List.” “How do you really know who’s been naughty and who’s been nice?” “I have contracts with the CIA, the FBI, MI6, Scotland Yard, the KGB, and several other organizations that are so secret that no one (no one who’s alive anyway) has ever heard of ‘em. By the way, 9/11 really helped in that regard – I was able to put over half the world on the Permanent Naughty List.” “What about the members of the Miller Family?” “Whoa.” [takes out the flask, drains it] “Let’s see, hmmm…Sean’s at the University of Hawaii, taking classes in Independent Living and struggling with a bad case of Island Fever, Kelly is in NYC, studying fashion design and making plans to live in Europe, Andera is happily married to Ray in Connecticut, Diane is taking an intensive Bachelor’s Degree program in Nursing at the U of W with plans to graduate in June and Kim is going thru the CFPÒ (“registered trademark of the College for Financial Planning” – the lawyers always make me add that) curriculum, preparing to take the certification exam in July.” “Yeah, but have they been Naughty or Nice?” “Uh, that information is Classified and requires a Top Secret clearance.” “What about President Bush?” “Ho, ho, ho – are you kidding? EVERYone knows which list he’s on.” “Uh, who shot JFK?” “I told you there were some questions I can’t answer.” [speaks into the hidden mic] “Security? You know what to do.” [elf runs out from backstage and zaps the guy with a Taser. 3 more elves appear and drag the guy out, still twitching] “Ladies and gentlemen, it’s been a pleasure. I’ll be back here next year - same day, same time. Until then – Merry Christmas. I’m outta here.”

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