Wednesday, December 30, 2015

‘Twas the Night After Christmas –or- Santa’s Last Stand-Up Routine v.2015

“Is this thing on?”  [tap tap schreeeee] “Hey Mr. Sound Man – fix this mic wouldya?  Don’t think I don’t know what you did last summer, ‘cause I do.  Well, well, well boys and girls!  I just flew in from Damascus and boy are my arms tired.  [cymbal crash]  How many times you think I’ve used that one? Ho-ho-ho!”  [scattered laughter]  “Whatever.”  [takes a flask out of his pocket]  “A little hair of the dog ya know?  It’s been another back-breaking season.”  [takes a long swig]  “So…what’ll it be tonight?  Sugarplums? Fairy dust? Rudolph?  The old routine gets kinda stale when you have such a limited range of topics.  Hmmm…how about a little game I call “Santa FAQ”?  You ask all the questions you’ve always wanted to ask and I answer ‘em – OK?  Keep in mind that just because I know everything [sing-song voice] (“…he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…”) doesn’t mean I can answer – the Patriot Act and the NSA, ya know.  You there, in the back.” 

“Uh, how do you get to the homes of all the little boys and girls in one night?”  “I have a sweetheart contract with FedEx and now Amazon wants to build me a drone fleet that will darken the sky – no one on earth will see the sun from Dec 20 til Christmas morning!  Next?”  “Do you really eat all the cookies and drink all the milk?”  “Heck no – I’m lactose and gluten intolerant!  Most of it goes in the sleigh to feed the elves at the North Pole.  Boy, do they get sick of cookies and milk.”  “What about the carrots for the reindeer?”  “They eat ‘em – how do you think they see in the dark?”  [takes out the flask and takes another long swig]  “How do the elves make all those toys?”  “Since I instituted the best management plan on earth, they’re afraid not to!  Who do you think Wal-Mart learned from?  You wanna make money in manufacturing or in retail?  Come to “Santa’s Management Workshop” (Ó Santa, Inc., all rights reserved).  Keep ‘em hungry, underpaid and scared of getting fired.  My record speaks for itself.”  “Hey Fatso!  How do you keep your suit clean after going down all those chimneys?”  [raises his hand to his mouth and speaks into a microphone hidden in his sleeve] “Security?”  [points to a man in the third row, stage right.  An elf runs out from backstage and zaps the guy with a cattle prod]  “Oouuuuugh!  Ok, sorry!”  [elf zaps him again before returning back stage]  “Ouuuch!”  [speaks into the hidden mic again]  “Note to self: add that man to the PNL*.” “How do you really know who’s been naughty and who’s been nice?”  “I used to have contracts with all the spy agencies: CIA, FBI, MI6, KGB, Mossad, NSA, but now I just use Facebook - they’re the best – and - “It’s free and always will be”.  Ho-ho-ho: boys and girls, if there’s no charge for the product then YOU are the product.  By the way, 9/11 really helped in that regard – I was able to put over half the world on the PNL*!”
  
“What about the members of the Miller Family?”  “Whoa.”  [takes out the flask, drains it]  “Let’s see, hmmm…Sean is the top salesman in Oregon for Georgetown Brewing - you can guess what he wished for; Kelly migrated from Italy to France to London trying to gain a ladder hold in the fashion industry, a look-see period in San Francisco is the next rung so you know what she wished for; Andera is happily married to Ray in Connecticut for nearly 12 years now, and was recently promoted at her work to more responsibility with higher pay and more hours – her wish came true; Diane keeps plugging away as an RN with “retirement” on her wish list; and Kim works as a Certified Financial Planner ™ trying to figure out which way is up in the capital markets – heh, heh – you KNOW what he asked for.”  “Yeah, yeah, but have they been Naughty or Nice?”  “Uh, that information is Classified and requires a Top Secret clearance.”  “What about President Obama?”  “Ho, ho, ho – are you kidding?  EVERYone knows which list he’s on – just ask Donald Trump.”  “Uh, who really shot Bin Laden?”  [frowns] “I told you there were some questions I can’t answer.”  [speaks into the hidden mic]  “Security?  You know what to do.”  [elf runs out from backstage and zaps the guy with a Taser.  3 more elves appear and drag the guy out, still twitching].  “Boys and girls, it’s been a pleasure.  I’ll be back next year - same day, same time.  Until then – Merry Christmas!  I’m outta here.”

*PNL = Permanent Naughty List

© Kim Miller 2015, all rights reserved

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